terror.
irrational maybe.
who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
my mind used to be my biggest strength
now it tricks me.
hates me even.
takes away my very breath.
lord take me back to my positive state.
The girl I used to be.
the one that could take on the world.
hug away my fears and provide me with a safe place.
kiss me.
I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry.
Im not who I thought I was.
and I betrayed who I was supposed to be.
But I know now who I am.
I cry because I am not perfect.
This I now know too.
I cry because I don't know the answers.
Oh the many things we may never understand in this life.
The fog consumes me and punches me square in the stomach.
I breathe it all in.
heavy.
This ball of anxiety I cannot escape.
always present, a pit of emptiness, a cavity hole.
dark.
she aches.
here we go again,
she aches.
spirals out of control now and then.
I feel her anger, rising, rising.
spinning and spinning.
cycling out of control.
out of control again.
I try and try to calm her.
Breathe, sunshine, life.
Baby,
Bethanie mae,
breathe again honey,
do it for me.
You're gonna be ok,
no one can save you but yourself.
which makes it even worse.
I can't rely on myself.
I'm weak.
Only temporarily she stops.
Like an evil child.
she waits until she's agitated again to explode.
unexpectedly.
always
so
fucking
nervous.
I want to move forward, as I know now all that I have.
I want to live clearly and be present.
Better.
Simple.
Real.
The way I should have been all along.
Its always been right here.
the secret we all wish to know,
Its always just been
right here.
This whole time, waiting to be found.
I pray that its not too late.
Lord, Fill me with your strength.
Heal me.
Because I really need you now.
Fill my wounds and holes..
Cover me with your protective brightness,
and let me live through you.
Because you are safe.
And I will make you proud.
