The land of king and queens

The Thing about me is.......
HA.......
well.......
 there's lots of things about me arent there.

ever changing, ever evolving.
ever deciding, ever surprising.
ever fucking being.

u live. u die buddy.
simple as that.
there aint no magic in it.
point A equals point B.
I assure you,

ITS_____ A_____________ STRAIGHT LINE ____________________________

I dont know where the fuck Im going,
but guess what son, neither do you.
your journey, my journey,
their journey,
whats it even matter to you?
I dont THINK like everyone else and u you know what,
I LIKE IT.
Your simple.
Im not.
sorry if you cant keep up.

maybe I AM crazy.
but hey, you know what, maybe its YOU.
something tells me neither one of us will ever know which is exactly true.
everyone fits in somewhere you know.
and there will always be someone to judge.
so find your place mama.
and get your fuckin head outta the mud.
im sick of this cookie cutter bullshit.
this capitalist societies fucking greed.
"u gotta do it this way baby, just wait and you'll see"
Im sicking of fucking waiting dude, for this life to be what it "should"
Im sick of being empty but for you, you know I would.
I do everything for everybody.
and put a smile on their face.
but im about up to here ^^^^^^ with that bullshit.
and need to find MY real place.
cuz mother fucker you dont me,
and im willing to bet you dont even know YOU.
so let me do me,
and YOU do fucking YOU.
Im all about being unified,
that kumbaya lovey kinda shit.
but first we must find acceptance ya'll, to even know where we should begin.
embrace the strange my people.
stretch your god damn minds,
you live only once on this planet,
and there truly is just so much out there to find.

sometimes all you need is a kick in the lady pants.

what the fucks it all for anyway?

none of of it means a mother fucking thing. 

you, me, him,them?

who fuckin cares.

ur gonna be dead before u know it price. 

dead.

D.E.A.D.

dead

seriously, get over yourself and quit acting like you matter to this world. 

your a speck of shit in a limitless divine universe.

let yourself be happy for once will ya?

Dont make me come down there and show you how amazing you are. 

you're blessed kid.

mother fucking blessed.

pick yourself up and quit being a sap all your life.

ok its cute for while, be the "sad intellectual girl", ok, I get it...

but really, thats not that fun HOMEY.

what you need in your life is some god damned fun.

go vandalize something or drink tequila rose until 3 am on a wed night, I dont know.

smoke weed out of an apple,

have you tried that? I know you dont smoke weed, but man youll be thankful that you did, that shits amazing.

itll change your life.

jesus christ let loose and quit being afraid of disappointing everyone.

fuck them. 

fuck trying to figure it all out. 

FUUUCK ITTTT. 

do what you want when you want, and find some people with a nut sack that are willing to do it with you. 

good people feel you price. 

they know your capabilities. 

people would kill to be you.

not for superficial reasons but because "you get it".

your values are right, your mind is sharp and when you want to let your fuckin soul peek out, youre actually kinda rad too. 

so get it together mama, cuz times a wastin'.

And so it was said...

tell me that im beautiful baby,
whether u mean it or not.
tell me im the best you ever had,
and i'm all you'll ever want,
tell me that u need me,
and that everything feels so right.
tell me that its crazy baby and that u just cant seem to sleep at night.
tell me im unique, and different.
make me have a soul again.
tell me im ok baby,
and that I can just be me again.
tell me that im wonderful,
and that this life i was born to lead,
tell me that your happy baby,
and its all because of me.
hold me tight in the night my love.
n kiss away my fears,
im just so damned scared right now,
its been so many years.
sleep next to me lightly,
and only touch me soft,
im as vulnerable as they come right now,
and im not quite sure your touch will be enough.
im as cold.....

as cold as ice....

and i dont believe in much...

but i'll let you tell me lies right now baby,
n ill act like I believe them, no matter what.
I need to feel you kiss me,
because I need to know Im still real.
I need to feel the warmth of someone,
to remember how it feels.
I need to see you look at me,
and actually pay attention to my face,
I need you to care about my thoughts,
and not just my embrace.
I need you to love me for my mind,
and not just because Im young.
I need you to see my soul,
and have yours and mine become one.
Im not just another looker,
with those high, high heels that you crave.
Im much,much more then a body,
I'll be sure to have bad days.
Im not at all perfect,
you get just what you see.
over time you'll see it more,
and Im sure you'll get sick of me.

Ive yet to meet a man, that can get down deep into my soul.
I guess, cause Im not worth it,
as thats what ive been told.

Cinderelli,cinderelli, night n day it's cinderelli.

lies all lies.
everything that is, are lies.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate the insecurity.
I hate the fear of knowing,
I hate the fear of let going.
I hate the smell of you.
The crude-crude that comes from you.
the meanness in your heart.
The flesh from inside your bones.
remind me of your hatred,
and the coldness of your soul.

I sacrifice my love for a picturesque dismay.
you hate me and I can feel it every fuckin day.
it eats away my heart,
ive damn near lost my soul,
its times like these that I know what it is to actually be old.
I cry because I loved you,
I cry because you cant.
I cry because we know that our days are up and spent.
I need to find myself again.
The essence of my core.
Once a beautiful carefree woman,
now a broken down, has been
thats much worse then a whore.
I hate my very reflection.
Ive lost my zest for life.
you sucked out my emotion babe,
but I guess to you thats alright,
shame on me for doing this.
I held the drainage tube myself.
I watched the very blood slip from me,
and you watched me as I helped.
I thought it may be cleansing,
to rid what was before.
I needed it to come to this.
I needed this to see.
That I am in fact more powerful.
then any part of we.
you had your chance there darlin.            
I cried and you ignored.
I ll slowly find my pieces babe,
maybe not ever to be a whole,
but I will find what is beautiful
about a torn up shattered soul.
I'll walk inside those valleys,
and kiss an air of faith.
I'll find someone who loves me
and cant be without my grace.
I thank you for this lesson,
but now I'll be on my way.
remember that I tried now baby,

because I simply just cannot stay.

I bet you it's green there

seasons change
I age.
body, face, internal dialogue
I sway.
wrinkles map my laughter
my eyes remember the days.
The sun has always felt good on my face.
and the leaves never knowing anything but their way.
Your embrace will always populate my thoughts.
Its when Im alone,  that you are really  there.
traveling along the countryside, with every bit of you I swear.
unspoken moments only for us to ever know.
The things I will ultimately remember as I lay dying slow.
The thoughts I didn't live out, because I was terrified to know.
that it was you I only needed.
and that time is all we'll ever have.
It was then I was just feeling and floating.
listening and hoping.
praying n scoping
a way to make this big ole world my own.
god knows all the ways I love you.
and he knows all the ways I don't.
I can't balance out this medium baby
and its because of that I don't.
I don't need to tell you honey,
because uncannily you already know.
Our hearts n souls are connected baby
by parts we are yet to even know.
You breathe everyday inside me
your "lasting impression" honey is there.
You touch people at a level baby,
thats your real gift right there.
I know you don't see your amazingness,
getting caught up within your own mind.
I cant make you see your encompassment
because your standards are offset by mine.
Just know that you are everything.
Filling holes I didnt know where there.
I leave you and like rushing water it fills me,
with everything thats rare.
Too beautiful to ruin baby,
They'll make us a monument you'll see.
This is what people dream of their entire lives,
To live as you and me.

the love of a friend

you poor poor miserable being.

life didnt deal you the hand you anticipated did it?
you never quite imagined you'd end up this way..
so young and already fucking wasted my friend...
just take take taking didnt pan out so well for ya aye?..

you poor poor miserable being.

always something to say.

always something to say.

thats just weakness sweeping through you my dear.
your carcass is sad.
your mind in a bundle.
your days in a haze.
the light within me just makes you even more crazed....

you poor poor miserable being.

I wish upon you strength and clarity.
I wish upon you purpose.
I wish away your ignorance and hate..
your judgements and your unintelligent traits.
I wish away your need to only serve others and your true lack of self..
I wish away your mommy, and your friends, and your boyfriend
so you can just figure it all fucking out.
I wish for you to be alone in a room, with nothing but your skin....
looking only at your self in the mirrors, and let the eating hatred begin....


ahhh my dear Im ever so sorry, but from your confining shell Ive outgrown.
I, unlike you, can stand in the glory of the sun, without the closeness of anyone.
I unlike you, can breathe easy and be deep.
be one with the ocean, and sleep a restful sleep.
Ive erased my need for needing.
I washed away my pain.
I stand stronger now before you...
and for that youve become afraid.
I wish away your anger.
I wish away your fake.
I wish for you to be happy darlin
and to find your rightful place.
breathe my name forever sweetie because to you Im already dead.
rememer when I walk by you honey that Im not ever gonna leave your head....
my face will always haunt you,
my success will remind you of when....
carousels, ponys and doll babies consumed your little head...
before your soul was taken
and your heart was fuckin dead.

In bed with mom

terror.
irrational maybe.
who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
my mind used to be my biggest strength
now it tricks me.
hates me even.
takes away my very breath.
lord take me back to my positive state.
The girl I used to be.
the one that could take on the world.
hug away my fears and provide me with a safe place.
kiss me.
I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry.
Im not who I thought I was.
and I betrayed who I was supposed to be.
But I know now who I am.
I cry because I am not perfect.
This I now know too.
I cry because I don't know the answers.
Oh the many things we may never understand in this life.
The fog consumes me and punches me square in the stomach.
I breathe it all in.
heavy.
This ball of anxiety I cannot escape.
always present, a pit of emptiness, a cavity hole.
dark.
she aches.
here we go again,
she aches.
spirals out of control now and then.
I feel her anger, rising, rising.
spinning and spinning.
cycling out of control.
out of control again.
I try and try to calm her.
Breathe, sunshine, life.
Baby,
Bethanie mae,
breathe again honey,
do it for me.
You're gonna be ok,
no one can save you but yourself.
which makes it even worse.
I can't rely on myself.
I'm weak.
Only temporarily she stops.
Like an evil child.
she waits until she's agitated again to explode.
unexpectedly.
always
 so
 fucking
nervous.
I want to move forward, as I know now all that I have.
I want to live clearly and be present.
Better.
Simple.
Real.
The way I should have been all along.
Its always been right here.
the secret we all wish to know,
Its always just been
right here.
This whole time, waiting to be found.
I pray that its not too late.
Lord, Fill me with your strength.
Heal me.
Because I really need you now.
Fill my wounds and holes..
Cover me with your protective brightness,
and let me live through you.
Because you are safe.
And I will make you proud.